WTF
HAPPENED IN 1971
~ HNC ASSIGNMENT ~
INT. PODCAST ROOM - DAY
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FADE UP:
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THE DUKE is sitting at a table. He is eating breakfast and drinking coffee with his producer, CARLOS. The Duke is around 40-years-old, has a salt and pepper goatee, is wearing a black pork-pie fedora, burgundy hoodie, and a pair of black and gold aviator shades.
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Carlos
Okay, tell me again.
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The Duke
So we take your average-Joe-nobody, a hand-selected pleb, and plop them in the hot seat for a one-hour, no holds barred, unfiltered, unrestrained conversation with The Duke.
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Carlos
I'm listening
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The Duke
We throw out an ad campaign which reads “Win a spot on “Probably the Greatest Podcast on the Planet” - or something along those lines - and instruct applicants to submit application videos. We sift through the riff-raff and hand-pick the one we find most interesting.
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Carlos
I’m sorry, but who in their right mind is gonna wanna sit and listen to Joe the taxi driver who lives at the end of the street?
The Duke
Look, due to my contrarian views, we’re one step away from every streaming platform pullin’ the plug, and after the incident on the last show, no Hollywood A-lister is gonna touch us with a ten-foot barge pole. Maybe we can pull a zed-lister, but people are sick to their back teeth with influencers, wannabees and drive-time radio clowns. We need an angle. And what better way to drive publicity than to give an unknown a shot in the hot seat? The public love two things, a good prize-winning competition and an underdog. And besides, I bet the average taxi driver can tell a good story or two.
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Carlos
You make a fair point, but I'm still saying it’s going to be shit.
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The Duke
It’s not about whether it's going to be shit. It is going to be shit. So shit. That it's going to be the shit!
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Carlos
Okay, I'm in, but when the shit hits the fan, it's your head on the chopping block.
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Roll credits to the track “Torquay” by The Fireballs. A radio/TV advertisement featuring The Duke - encouraging his listeners to apply for a shot in the hot seat - is dubbed over the following montage:
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CUE APPLICANT MONTAGE:
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EXT. SHOP WINDOW - DAY
A man walks past a poster in a glass window. He pauses, turns around and takes a closer look. The poster reads: Win a spot on “Probably the Greatest Podcast on the Planet”. The man takes out his phone, snaps a pic and walks away.
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CUT TO:
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INT. HAIRDRESSING SALON - DAY
A hairdresser is washing the hair of a client. The Duke’s voice appears over the radio. The hairdresser pauses and listens attentively.
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CUT TO:
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INT. HOSPITAL WARD - DAY
A nurse is perched at the side of a hospital bed - tending to a patient. The advertisement is playing over the radio. The nurse stops what she is doing and looks over to the radio.
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CUT TO:
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INT. STONER’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A stoner finishes off his breakfast cereal, puts down the bowl and picks up a joint. The Duke’s voice can be heard from the TV. The stoner’s curiosity peaks. He leans forward on the edge of his seat.
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CUT TO:
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INT. GYM - DAY
A gym goer is pumping iron in the gym. The Duke’s advertisement plays through his earphones. The gym goer puts down the bench-press-bar and sits up.
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CUT TO:
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INT. BAR - NIGHT
A bartender is pouring shots at the bar. The radio advertisement blurts out over the radio. The bartender’s attention is drawn to The Duke’s voice and as a consequence, the shot glasses are overfilled.
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CUT TO:
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The podcast intro which features a spinning logo of The Duke’s tinfoil hat wearing head, to the track “Tinfoil Hat '' by Popa Chuby. Underneath the logo reads “Show #1971 with plebeian Jack Szabo.
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INT. PODCAST ROOM - DAY
The Duke and JACK (the competition winner) sit at the podcasting table. Jack is around 35-years-old and is wearing a black suit - which looks like it’s been ripped from his grandfather's dusty corpse - a white shirt, and a black skinny tie.
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The Duke
Welcome, Jack
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Jack
Gracias. It's great to be here.
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The Duke
Firstly, apologies for the aggressive security protocols, but we've got to be careful not to dox this location. And secondly, congrats on winning the competition. How's it feel to be in the hot seat on “Probably the Greatest Podcast on the Planet”?
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Jack
I'm stoked, man. Truly bewildered. Yesterday, I was discreetly listening to the show at my in-laws, and today I'm right here in the studio being graced with the presence of the Duke!
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The Duke
The pleasure’s all mine. So, discreetly listening to the show at your in-laws? Tell me more.
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Jack
You know the score. It's a Sunday afternoon, ya don't wanna go - you're rather be lounging around, chillin' on the couch, trying not to contemplate your meaningless existence, or why you have to get up for work at 5 am the next morning - but regardless, you go anyway to save the earache. You quickly dispense of the pleasantries: what did you watch last night? What did you eat last night? Wasn't it warm last night? Yadda, yadda, yadda. Now I'd love to tell the truth - last night was hot and sweaty when I watched your daughter whilst I ate your daughter. But I don't, so it's always the same ole horseshit.
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The Duke
I'm listening
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Jack
Then, after the small talk’s through, it's time to gather round and have a proper gander at the propaganda on the propaganda box. And it's at that point, I reach into my back pocket, squeeze in an earbud, put my feet up, and pretend to fall asleep - when in actual fact, I'm listening to Probably the Greatest Podcast on the Planet.
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The Duke
Let's hope your inlaws ain't listening to the show.
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Jack
Unlikely. I doubt that they even know what a podcast is. My father-in-lawn thought the cloud was some mythical entity that lives in the sky, the stars and the heavens beyond. I shattered his dreams when I revealed it was just somebody else’s computer.
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The Duke
Boomers ay.
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The Duke picks up a tequila bottle.
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The Duke
Tequila?
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Jack
I’m good thanks, although I could murder a glass of ice-cold milk.
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The Duke looks overt to Carlos who is in the adjacent podcasting control centre.
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The Duke
Carlos. We got any milk?
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Carlos sticks up his thumb.
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The Duke (cont’d)
Carlos will sort you out.
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The Duke necks his shot of tequila and shudders.
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The Duke (cont’d)
I’ll be honest Jack. I aint a big fan of straight milk. I don't mind a glug in a coffee; I can even tolerate a flavoured milkshake, but straight? That's some next level shit.
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Jack
You don’t know what you're missing’. All them vitamins and minerals; strong bones; muscle growth and repair. I mean, you can’t seriously l;ecture me when you're sitting there knocking back tequilas!
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The Duke
Touche!
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Carlos brings in a glass of milk and sits it on the table and then leaves the room and heads back into the control centre.
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The Duke (cont’d)
Don’t you think it’s wild that humans drink cow's milk?
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There’s a slight pause while both men ponder this philosophical question.
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Jack
Come to think of it, it is rather bizarre. It would make a lot more sense for humans to drink human milk like we do from birth.
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The Duke
True. But I don’t think the process of extracting breast milk from women scales at an industrial level.
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Jack
Oh, I don;t know man. If there was a big enough demand for it, capitalism would definitely find a way.
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The Duke
I will tell you one thing though, whoever first discovered cow’s milk was doing some wild shit with a cow.
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Jack
Now that’s a fact we can agree on.
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Jack necks the rest of the milk and wipes his mouth.
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Jack (cont’d)
I know this is unprofessional and all, but I’m a little nervous. Am I okay to quickly drain the vein?
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The Duke
Sure. Go down the corridor. Take the first left until you reach the theatre. Go through the theatre and across the theatre floor. The toilet is just beyond the theatre curtain.
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INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
We Dolly behind Jack as he heads for the toilet. CUE TRACK: "Hanging Around" by The Breeds
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INT. THEATRE - DAY
We continue to follow Jack through a set of double doors which lead to a theatre. A live dance performance is taking place on the stage to the same track. The performance consists of two rockstar guitarists and three female dancers. The dancers are wearing the same hat and shades as The Duke, and the same black suit as Jack - minus the tie . Jack walks off into the distance and disappears behind a curtain. We observe the performance.
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INT. TOILET - DAY
As the music continues, we cut to Jack washing his hands while looking in the mirror. He drys his hands with a few paper towels and throws them in the bin. Jack then reaches around and pulls-out a six-shooter from the back of his belt. He flicks open the cylinder, confirms it’s loaded and then flicks it back into position. He nestles the gun back into his belt and peers into the mirror. He runs his hand through his hair.
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INT. THEATRE - DAY
Jack reappears from the curtain. As he crosses the theatre floor, we once again dolly in front of him. We dolly out of the double doors and enter the corridor.
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INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
We continue to dolly down the corridor as Jack returns to the recording studio.
INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY
Jack enters the recording studio and retakes his seat. The Duke raises the tequila bottle.
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The Duke
Are you sure that I can’t persuade you?
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Jack
Go on then. You’ve twisted my arm, but just the one as I’m working later today.
The Duke
So You’re a spark?
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Jack
I am, but I’m in a bit of a transitional period. I’m in the process of hanging up my tool belt.
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Duke
I thought sparking was good money?
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Jack
It is but it’s not about the money, it’s about job satisfaction.
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The Duke
You don’t find the job satisfying?
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Jack
I used to but it seems that every single job, no matter how small, turns out to be an absolute nightmare. What can go wrong, will go wrong. Forget Ohm's Law, the only law a sparky needs is the Law of Sod.
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The Duke
Example?
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Jack
Okay, for example. A standard ceiling light swap should take no more than half hour, so you give a price for one hour. When you arrive at the house, you’re greeted by the wife of DIY Dave. Dave has conveniently disappeared after attempting to undertake the work himself. Dave’s wife escorts you to the crime scene and there lies what I like to call a “B&Q special” - which will house more diamantés than your favourite BBC ballroom dancer. 2 hours later, you’re still there hooking the goddamn things on.
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The Duke
Why don’t you just add the extra labour cost to your invoice?
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Jack
When I quote a job, I quote a job. Increasing the price can give the impression that I’ve got a horse hitched out front and a six-shooter in my back pocket.
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Jack reaches around to his back pocket. When his hand reappears, it’s gesturing the shape of a gun. He pretends to shoot The Duke. There is an awkward silence, which is abruptly broken by the ringing of Jack’s mobile phone. The “Boss Man Mike” leitmotif rings out. Jack looks at the phone and mutes the call.
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Jack
Sorry about that.
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The Duke looks a little pissed off and glances over to Carlos. Carlos shakes his head. The Duke reinitiates the conversation.
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The Duke
So, Have you ever been electrocuted?
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Jack
Electrocuted? Sure, electrocution is part and parcel of the job. How else would you test for dead, other than with the back of your hand?
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The Duke
Back of your hand?
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Jack
You’re on a job, you realise that you’ve left your tester under some floorboard on the outskirts of Stoke. So you’re confronted with three options: One, do an 80-mile round trip to retrieve the tester: Two, nip out to the nearest wholesalers and fork out fifty quid for a new tester: Or three, quickly brush past the live cable with the back of ya hand.
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The Duke
That’s insane!
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Jack
No, what’s insane is the guys who use the tip of their tongues.
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The Duke looks at Carlos with a bemused look.
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Jack (cont’d)
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a few perks to the job. Firstly, I'm able to pinpoint every fast-food restaurant with more accuracy than The King, The Colonel, and Ronald McDonald, combined. Secondly, I have the ways and means to evade legalised theft from His Royal Majesty’s Revenue and Customs. And finally, I thank the Lord that I'm not a plumber.
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The Duke
Well on that note, I need to take a leak myself.
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The Duke leaves the room. Carlos enters the recording studio and takes a seat. He proceeds to pour himself a shot of tequila
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Carlos
I know you're in a transitional period and all but do ya fancy doing a quick foreigner while you're here?
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Jack
I would, but I haven’t brought along my tools.
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Carlos
That’s okay. I’ve got my toolbox in the back.
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Jack
Okay, Carlos, you got me. I’m making excuses, but like I said, I’m done with the industry. I’m not undertaking any additional work, just tying up loose ends.
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Carlos
Ya see Jack, I think you’re full of shit.
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Carlos pours another shot.
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Carlos
I’ve been doing a little digging and it turns out that you’re dead.
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Jack nestles into the back in his seat.
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Carlos (cont’d)
Six years and counting.
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Carlos passes Jack a piece of paper with a news article. Carlos downs his shot. The article reads “Jack Szabo, 33-year-old electrician, found dead after licking live cable. Carlos and Jack stare at one another. Jack looks towards the studio camera.
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Carlos
Don't worry, I killed the stream.
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Like the fastest gun in the West, Jack pulls out the six-shooter and unloads a shot straight into Carlos’ chest.
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INT. TOILET - DAY
The Duke finishes emptying his tank. He flushes the chain and washes his hands. He’s whistling the tune, Tequila by The Champs.
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INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
We dolly in front of The Duke walking down the corridor. The Duke reaches the recording studio door. He slowly enters.
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INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY
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The Duke
Apologies about that but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
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The Duke takes his seat. He pauses and takes a look around.
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The Duke
Where’s Carlos?
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Jack
When ya gotta go, you gotta go.
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The Duke
Okay, let’s crack on with the show. Where were we at?
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Jack
I think we were talking about...
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A small, sharp fart interrupts Jack mid-sentence. Both men look suspiciously at one other.
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The Duke
What the fuck man! show some professional courtesy. In just over 1700 shows, I’ve never had a single guest break wind live on air.
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The Duke's face turns to disgust. He sniffs in short sharp bursts until the stench of vaporised shit hits him right between the eyes. He pinches his nose with his fingers. The Duke starts to wretch.
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The Duke
I know I said when you gotta go ya gotta go, but I didn’t mean literally take a shit in your pants!
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At that moment a huge fart ripples through the recording studio, and on this occasion, there’s no denying where the sound originated. Both men look towards the sound booth.
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The Duke leaves his seat and slowly approaches the sound booth. Another fart rings out. The Duke gets closer. His hand slowly reaches for the door handle...He grabs it....He slowly pulls it open. Carlos is slumped on the floor with a bullet wound to the chest. The body releases another copious amount of gas. From a side shot, the Duke quickly shuts the door, it reveals Jack pointing the six-shooter at him.
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Jack
Take a seat.
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The distraught Duke cautiously moves back towards his seat.
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The Duke
Outside, there’s a green Lamborghini with £10k in the glove compartment.The key is in my jacket pocket. Take it. It’s yours.
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Jack
If I had a billion dollars, I still wouldn’t buy a Lamborghini. It’s a waste of money. Ya know, maybe a Lamborghini impresses you, but it don’t impress me. The People who drive Lamborghinis don’t impress me either. Not one bit.
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The Duke
So if it’s not money you’re after, what are you after?
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Jack
Are you aware of an individual who goes by the alias Boss Man Mike?
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The Duke
I've heard of him.
Jack
What’ve you heard?
The Duke
Just whispers.
Jack
I love a good rumour. Please. Continue.
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The Duke
I heard he ransacked the Golden Gates Treasury and now he’s the most wanted man in the West.
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Jack
On January the 3rd, two years ago, Boss Man Mike did indeed swipe a briefcase from the Golden Gates Treasury. A briefcase which held a piece of paper. A piece of paper which contained a twelve-word seed-phrase. A seed-phrase which unlocks a 1 Billion Bitcoin fortune.
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(pause)
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Jack (cont’d)
During the getaway, the loot was offloaded to one of my fellow associates, who had no idea what he had in his possession. My associate took one look at the 12 random words written on the piece of paper, thought the money had undergone a switcheroo, and threw the piece of paper from his car window.
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The Duke
Boomers, ay!
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Jack
Do you mind if I have another shot of your alcoholic beverage?
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The Duke - with a gun still pointing at his face, cautiously pours out another shot of tequila.
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Jack
Pour one for yourself, I insist.
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As the Duke pours out the tequilas, the camera pans down to reveal some sort of contraption that has a wire protruding out. The camera follows the wire which leads to a button directly beneath where the Duke is sitting.The Duke slowly passes a shot over to Jack. Jack raises his glass.
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Jack
Cheers!
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The Duke does not return the pleasantries - he just downs the shot, puts down the glass and slides his right hand under the table., laying it on his lap.
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Jack
Show nineteen-thirty-three. You remember show nineteen-thirty-three. Right?
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The Duke
Not particularly.
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The Duke's hand inches closer to the button.
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Jack
21st Century Treasure with the Guest with No Name. You don’t remember?
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The Duke
I can’t remember the plot to a movie I watched last week, never mind a podcast that I did last year.
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Jack
Well, allow me to refresh your memory.
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Jack stands up from his seat. The Duke’s hand retracts from the button and ascends back above the table. Jack starts to pace back and forth.
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Jack (cont’d)
On this particular show, you had a particular guest. And that particular guest revealed that he found a piece of paper floating in the wind. A piece of paper containing a twelve-word seed-phrase. That very same seed phrase which belongs to my employer, Boss Man Mike. Now, we’ve scoured the earth for the Guest with No Name, and do ya know what we found?
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Cut The Duke looking bemused.
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Jack
Nothing. The guy’s a ghost.
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The Duke
So what does this have to do with me?
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Jack
Do you know how much time, effort, and resources it requires to scour the earth for an individual?
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The Duke
I can’t say that I do.
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Jack
Of course you don’t. It was a rhetorical question.
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Jack sits back down in his seat.
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Jack (cont’d)
After a vigorous investigation, we've come to the conclusion that the Guest with No Name never left this building.
Duke
Is that a fact?
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Jack
No. It’s just what we heard. Just what we heard.
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(pause)
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Jack (cont’d)
We believe that either one of the following statements is correct: One, you're sheltering the guest with no name somewhere on these premises for a percentage of the profits: Or two, the Guest with No Name is buried 6 feet beneath this building and it’s you who holds the keys to the entire Bitcoin fortune. My job is to do a thorough search of these premises - that is unless you have something to tell me which makes the search unnecessary? I might also add that any information that makes the performance of my job easier, will not be met with punishment, but quite the contrary, it will be met with reward. That reward will be 21 Bitcoins and your life.
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(pause)
Jack (cont'd)
You are directly or indirectly in possession of the seed phrase, are you not?
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The Duke points to his head.
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The Duke
The seed is in here.
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Jack takes out a small notebook and a pen from the inside of his jacket pocket. He opens up the notebook and writes down the number 1.
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Jack
First word?
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The Duke looks at Jack and says nothing.
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Jack
Okay, my patience is wearing thin. I'm going to count to three and then i'm going to unload on your face.
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Jack points the gun rat The Duke's head and cocks the hammer.
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Jack
....one...
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The Duke
You kill me, you kill the seed.
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Jack
That seems to be the situation...two...
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The Duke
...Okay, okay. You win. It’s all yours Jack, but before I hand over the seed, answer me this: Why go through all the rigmarole of playing this masquerade?
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Jack
Earlier, when you apologised for the aggressive security protocols, you weren't kidding. We've been searching for you and this place for the past six months - with no such luck - until your competition opened-up the perfect opportunity.
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The Duke
Okay, but that doesn't explain why we picked you specifically. We could've easily picked any one of the other applicants.
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Jack
I'm sorry, Duke, but a good magician never reveals all of his secrets.
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The Duke
Yeah. Ya got that right, Jack.
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The Duke hits the button underneath with his knee. An electrical current is induced which sends a thunderous amount of electricity surging into the steel of Jack’s chair. Jack’s muscles contract and his fist clenches. A bullet is fired aimlessly from the gun. The Duke watches in anticipation as Jack jingles, jangles and jolts violently in his seat. A puff of smoke encapsulates him.
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The Duke
You okay, Jack? You look a little shocked. I thought it was all just part and parcel of the job?
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Jack is now sizzling like a sirloin on a redneck BBQ. The duke releases the button. Jack falls flat on the table. Duke pours a tequila. He raises his glass to Jack.
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The Duke
Welcome to Probably the Greatest Podcast on the Planet!
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ROLL CREDITS
CUE TRACK: Tequila, by The Champs.
As the credits roll, four people enter the automatic sliding doors at the entrance of the building. We do not see their faces, only the black suits, white shirts and black skinny ties. They wait for the lift and enter as the doors open. They exit the lift and we dolly in front, still only seeing the lower halves of their bodies.
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CUT TO DUKE
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The Duke is sitting in his seat and playing with Jack’s gun. The suits appear in the recording studio. The Duke's eyes widen. The camera pans up to reveal the suit's faces which look oddly familiar. The people dressed are revealed to be the applicants from the applicant videos at the beginning. They all stare at The Duke.
The Duke.
Fuck!
FADE TO BLACK
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The sounds of a gunfight are heard.
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END
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(2023)