ONCE UPON
A REWIRE
BOOKMARKS
INT. VAN (MOVING) – MORNING
Fade in: A 40 odd-year-old man (donning shades) bops along to music while driving. The cab interior can only be described as a complete disgrace - paperwork strewn all over the dashboard, tools slung on the passenger seat, and energy drink cans littered throughout.
EXT. STREET – MORNING
A brand-spanking-new van (supremely wrapped with a logo reading “Blu Phase Electrical Contractors”) drives down a street and turns into the drive-thru of Santanico Cafè la tienda - a Mexican coffee shop.
INT. DRIVE-THRU – MORNING
JOHN lowers the volume, dips his shades and takes a look at the menu.
Intercom.
Good morning. May I take your order, please?
John
Can I have a Hellova Hot Chocolate?
Intercom
That’ll be £1.96 at the next window.
CUE MONTAGE: Van drives around to the next window- debit card taps on the reader - a cup being exchanged between hands - van squeals off.
EXT. STREET – MORNING
Driving sequence. The van driving through the suburbs.
INT. VAN (MOVING) – MORNING
John, still listening to music, takes a sip of his hot choc.
Sat Nav
In two hundred yards, the destination is on your left.
EXT. STREET – MORNING
The van pulls up outside of a rundown family home with an unkempt garden.
INT. VAN – MORNING
Sat Nav
You have reached your destination.
John takes a look at the house, beeps the horn twice, picks up a newspaper and takes another sip of his hot-choc. He turns to page three and ogles the scantly clad model. CLOSE-UP on the paper. John reads aloud the accompanying snippet.
John (off)
Claudia, a 24-year-old PhD student in biomechanical engineering believes inflation is tax by stealthation.
John exhales an impressive whistle. CLOSE-UP on the model’s breasts.
John (cont’d, off)
Check out the big brains on Claudia.
John turns to the page “Dear Dorothy”. The main title reads “why am I in love with the woman who held me captive?”. John shakes his head and turns to the back page to read the daily sports headlines. He glances at his watch and puts down the paper. Once again he beeps the horn twice - this time, a tad more forcibly. The door to the house opens and out pops a short 18-year-old boy carrying a sandwich box. JAMES opens the van door and nonchalantly climbs in.
James
Alright, bro.
James casually puts on his seatbelt; whips out his mobile phone and proceeds to take selfies. SUPER IMPOSE selfie image of James with the hashtag, #GraftaMcRafta. John, in bewilderment, turns off the van engine and glares at James. James looks at John.
James
Alright, Bro?
John
Alright, bro? Alright, bro? Firstly, I ain't your bro, and secondly, what time do ya call this? It's your first day on the job and you’re late!
James
No, John, I think you'll find that it is you who is late! I was told you were picking me up at 8 am sharp. It's now 8.30 am. You've been sitting here since 8.15 am. I made you wait the exact same 15 minutes that you made me wait while you were shopping for your skinny espresso-macchiato.
The pair both look at the coffee cup. John, in total shock, doesn't know whether to admire this kids bravado or jab him on the nose.
John
Where's your tools?
James
They're in there.
James points at the butty box he was carrying.
John
Whaddya mean they're in there?
James opens up the box to reveal a variety of ramshackle screwdrivers, rusty wire cutters and a hammer that looks more suited to breaking toffee than having any practical use on a construction site.
John (cont’d)
What the hell do ya call them?
James
Tools. They're tools, John.
John
They ain't tools pal, they're relics. They belong in a museum. And why on earth are you carrying them around in a butty box?
James
They’re classics. They don't make ‘em like they used to.
John
You can say that again. Let me see that toffee hammer.
James passes John the hammer.
John
Look at the absolute state of that. It reminds me of the one I received in a toy set when I was eight years old.
John passes the hammer to James and kicks over the van ignition.
John
Time to go to school son. Time to go to school.
The van squeals off.
EXT. STREET – MORNING
The van comes to a stop outside of an upper-class property. John and James exit the van.
EXT. FRONT DOOR – MORNING
John knocks on the door.
John
So, you did two years in college, full time?
James
Yeah, bro. Top of my class.
John
What can you do?
James
Consumer units, lighting circuits, power circuits, central heating controls - you name it I've done it.
The door opens. MRS JOHNSON, a prestigious, yet stern-looking woman in her late 60s answers the door. A dog - that looks like a rat - runs up behind her, barking and growling.
Mrs Johnson
Down Louis, down.
John
Hi, Mrs Johnson? I'm John and this is James. We're from Blu Phase Electrical. We're here to change your consumer unit and install the new central heating system?
Mrs Johnson
You're late! I've been awaiting your arrival since 9 am.
John
Uh, uh, sorry Mrs Johnson, the wholesalers made a clerical error. They didn't have the uh, correct part in stock, and then we had to drive across town in rush hour traffic.
Mrs Johnson
Well, you're here now. Take off your shoes and come in.
John
I'm sorry Mrs Johnson, we need to keep our boots on for health and safety purposes. We can lay down some dust sheets?
Mrs Johnson
Look, John, this is a 1969, limited edition, velvet-tweed carpet which costs more per square meter than you make in a day. So you can either take off your shoes or take yourself home and I will find another contractor.
INT. LANDING – MORNING
CLOSE-UP on John’s holiest-of-holey, odd socks. John walks James through the task at hand. James isn’t taking a blind bit of notice. He’s more concerned with taking photos of John’s socks and his protruding Dick Dastardly toenail.
John
Okay, Buttybox, I'm gonna change the consumer unit and while I do that, I want you to remove the old central heating controls in the bedroom, fill in any holes, and then mount the new thermostat downstairs in the hallway. You’ll have to isolate the boiler which is in the loft. Are you okay with that Buttybox?
James
Yeah, man. Simple.
John
AND DON’T MAKE A MESS!
John heads downstairs and starts work on the consumer unit which is located under the stairs in a claustrophobic cupboard, crawling with cobwebs.
INT. CUPBOARD – MORNING
John, screwdriver in mouth and headlamp on head. is sweating out his back when he’s interrupted by James.
James
Alright, bro.
A startled John smacks his head on a baton above.
James (cont'd)
Do you know where the filler is?
John
It's in the back of the van.
John squeezes his hand into his pocket, removes the keys and hands them to James.
John
MAKE SURE YOU LOCK IT!
EXT. VAN – MORNING
James opens up the back of the van to reveal what looks like the aftermath of a nuclear detonation. There's mountains of crap all over the place. Systematic and orderly storage is few and far between.
INT. CUPBOARD – MORNING
John is still hard at work and making good progress when suddenly, James’ head protrudes into the cupboard once more.
James
Alright, bro.
John is again startled and once again smacks his head on the baton above. He curses under his breath (Harry - Home Alone style).
James (cont’d)
I can't find the filla in that rat's nest of yours?
John
Leave it, James, I'll do it.
John (to himself)
If you want a job doing right, do it yourself.
John squeezes out of the hole and dusts himself down.
John (cont'd)
Everything in that van is exactly where it's supposed to be. I have a system.
EXT. REAR OF VAN – MORNING
John opens the back doors while James observers. John jumps in and without missing a beat, grabs the filler and hands it to James.
John
And don’t make a mess!
INT. CUPBOARD – MORNING
John is just about done with the installation of the new consumer unit. He looks at his watch and crawls out of the cupboard.
John (calling out)
BUTTYBOX!
John walks down the hallway and notices the new wall-mounted thermostat is pissed as a fart. He tries to straighten it, but it falls off of the wall.
John
JAMES!
John heads upstairs. CUE MUSIC: COMANCHE - THE REvLES.
John (cont'd)
JAMES!
John cautiously accents the stairs. He slowly approaches and opens the door to the bedroom in which James is supposed to be working, but rather than finding James, he finds Mrs Johnson observing the Jackson Pollock, poly filler nightmare. There’s filler on the walls, there's filler on the carpet, there's filler on the bed, there’s filler everywhere except the holes. And unbeknownst to Mrs Johnson, Louis the ratdog is now chowing-down poly filler off of the carpet and keels over. Mrs Johnson turns and faces John, and at that exact moment, the lower body of James comes crashing down through the ceiling, saturating Mrs Johnson in black dust and loft installation. CLOSE -UP on her head - glasses all dusty and loft insulation in her fresco perm. John looks at Mrs Johnson.
John
Did he make a mess?
EXT. MRS JOHNSON’S HOUSE – DINNER
The front four slams shut over the shoulder of John and James. An enraged and exasperated John and a sorrowful James, carry their toolboxes back to the van. John takes out his phone and calls the office. LIZ the receptionist answers the call. INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION.
Liz (into phone)
Blue phase electrical, Liz speaking, how may I help?
John (into phone)
Let me speak to Lee!
Liz (into phone)
Oh, hi John, he’s in a meeting with a VIP client at the moment. Is everything okay?
John (into phone)
Get him on the phone now, tell him it’s an emergency!
Liz (into phone)
Hold on for one moment.
John and James jump in the van and sit in complete silence.
INT. HEAD OFFICE - DINNER
Liz heads over to the main office and knocks on the door.
Lee
Come in.
Liz
Sorry to interrupt. John’s on line one.
Lee
Thanks, Liz. Tell him, I’ll call him back.
Liz
He says it’s an emergency.
Lee (to the client)
Excuse me for one moment.
Lee leaves the room and picks up the office phone. At the very same time, the wealthy client, MR CONNELL, picks up the boardroom phone and listens in on the conversation. INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION.
Lee (into phone)
This better be good, I’m sitting here negotiating a very lucrative contract with a very wealthy client. What’s the problem?
John (into phone)
Hello Lee. What’s the problem? I haven’t got a problem, I’ve got problems, plural - wanna hear? Firstly there’s this hooligan apprentice snapping his fingers at me, and comes late into work with his tools stuffed into a butty box. Then there’s a room that looks like a Jackson Pollock, poly filler nightmare. There’s a thermostat hanging from a wall. There’s a putrid dog lying lifeless on the carpet. There’s a gaping hole in the ceiling. There’s Mrs Johnson doused in dust and covered in god knows what, and finally, there’s me, handing in my notice. Au revoir. sayonara. muchas gracias.
INT. HEAD OFFICE – SAME TIME
Mr Connell (into phone)
Touché.
Lee looks around to see Mr Connell on the boardroom phone.
Lee (into phone)
John, John. Don’t be hasty.
The line is dead. Lee puts down the phone. Mr Connell heads for the exit.
EXT. HEAD OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Mr Connell gets into his luxury car. Lee chases behind.
Lee
Mr Connell. Mr Connell.
Mr Connell winds down the car window.
Lee (cont)
That was all a big misunderstanding. I can assure you that Blu Phase electrical is the pinnacle of workmanship and excellence.
Mr Connell
I’m sorry Lee. This outfit of yours seems more suited to saddles and spurs than screwdrivers and snips. I don’t think you’ll be the right fit for our brand.
Mr Connell squeals off.
Mr Connell (in the distance)
YEE-HAW!
Lee looks on. The dust kicked up from the tyres starts to settle.
EXT. HEAD OFFICE – AFTERNOON
A group of electricians and apprentices are having a mothers meeting outside of the office - some are smoking, some are drinking coffee. A Blu Phase Electrical van pulls up. John and James exit the van.
Young Apprentice
Speak of the devil. Here he is, the reverend, the holey man.
The group chuckle.
Electrician 1
We heard you were gettin’ the sack, John?
John doesn’t reply.
Electrician 2
We’re gonna throw you a pedicure party along with your severance packet.
The group chuckle. John looks at James - holding his tongue. John enters the office. James hangs back with the group.
INT. HEAD OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Liz
You can’t go in…
John waltzes past Liz and enters Lee’s office.
INT. LEE’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Lee is on the phone.
Lee
I’ll call you back.
Lee puts down the phone. John throws Lee the van keys.
Lee
Not only have you lost me a lucrative contract, but I’ve also had to compensate Mrs Johnson for the damages you caused to her house, and foot the veterinary bill for the dog you nearly killed.
John
Blame the Buttybox out-front.
Lee
Look, John, it may, or may not have been your fault, but at the end of the day, he was under your supervision. Now, given that this is the first occasion that you’ve been reprimanded, and the fact that you’re my best spark, I’m willing to let this whole thing slide.
John
Did ya not get the memo? I quit.
Lee
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. You’ve got a 22-year-old girlfriend who spends your money like it’s going outta fashion. You’ve got a house that’s mortgaged to the hilt. Your car is financed at twice your annual salary, and finally, you're indebted to some menacing debt collectors who’ll break your knees if you don’t keep up with the monthly repayments. Add that to the fact that I pay the best rates in town, we both know you ain’t gonna quit shit.
John rubs his palm across his face.
Lee (cont’d)
Now, I may have lost one contract today, but as one door closes, another opens. And as luck would have it, this came in the post this morning.
Lee holds up a scrolled letter and opens it up.
John
Is that a scroll?
Lee
It most certainly is. Handwritten in calligraphy.
John
Let me guess. James’ great, great grandpa wants his tools back?
Lee
It’s more interesting than that. Way more interesting. At first, I thought it was those fucks over at Lord Raiden Electrical sending me on a wild goose chase again, but on this occasion, it seems to be legit.
John
What is it?
Lee
You’re next job
Lee reads aloud the letter.
Lee (posh accent)
“Dear Mr Frost. Your company recently came to my attention through a mutual acquaintance, who spoke of your workmanship, customer relations and professionalism in the utmost of regard. Therefore, I would like to request your services in the endeavour of transforming my 14th century, candle laden abode, into a 21st century, neoteric luxury palace. The site contains over 300-bed chambers, a library, a great hall, a courtyard, a gallery, kitchens, pantries, larders, gatehouses, guardrooms, undercrofts and more. I am well aware of the immense task at hand and estimate that the project will take around 3 years to complete. You are to send one master and one apprentice. Employees are not permitted to leave the grounds until the project is completed.”
John
You’ve got to be shitin’ me.
Lee (continuing to read aloud the letter)
“Sleeping arrangements, daily banquets, and basic necessities will be provided on-site. All installation materials, equipment and tools will be delivered to the estate grounds once per week. Your employees will be treated like royalty by my professional team of chefs, waiters, butlers and handmaidens. For the sake of privacy, there will be no mobile phones, no internet connection, no televisions and no radios permitted on the estate grounds. All communication with the outside world will be in the form of handwritten letters which will be scrutinised by my team.”
John
Not happening.
Lee (continuing to read aloud the letter)
“I am well aware of the sacrifices in which will need to be made, therefore, the compensation will be not a penny more, nor a penny less, than 15 million pounds sterling (to be paid in monthly instalments by cheque). Your team will arrive on the summer solstice and commence work on the following full moon. Please bring along the accompanying token to gain access to the estate grounds.
Yours faithfully…
...
Lee looks up at John.
John
Yours faithfully?
Lee
Dunno. There's no name on the bottom.
John
And you're actually gonna go along with this?
Lee
Sounds like a wind-up, right?
John
Somebody’s pulling your leg pal.
Lee
That was my first imression. But do you see this gold coin?
Lee holds up a gold coin that has gothic insignia.
Lee (cont’d)
This is gold coin came with the scroll. and Earlier today, I took this gold coin to a gold coin merchant, and that gold coin merchant told me that this gold coin is a middle century relic. He estimated its value to be in the region of 50 thou. Now, I could’ve sold this gold coin and have been 50 grand better-off, but if I was a gambling man, I’d bet that someone prepared to send a 50 grand token of appreciation to a complete stranger, is most certainly willing to pay 15 million for an electrical installation.
John
I ain’t going.
Lee
I’ll give ya two mil?
John
Two million for three years of hard labour in a glorified prison. Where's the location?
Lee
Someplace in Scotland.
John
What do ya mean, someplace in Scotland?
Lee
Well, there’s an address listed in the letter, but when I googled it, there's nothing but acres of woodland.
John
This just gets better by the minute.
John pauses momentarily.
John (cont’d)
Three mil?
Lee
Done.
John
So when do I leave?
Lee flicks the gold coin to John - he catches it.
Lee
Tomorrow. And the good news is, you'll be accompanied by our best apprentice.
John
Chris?
Lee (calling out)
JAMES, GET YOUR SCRAWNY ARSE IN ERE!
John
No way. The guys a liability.
James walks into Lee’s office.
Lee
James. I only want a yes or no answer. Would you be willing to work away for three years, in a prison, a prison which you're unable to leave, for a million quid?
James
Yes.
John rolls his eyes.
Lee
That's sorted then. Pack your bags, the pair of you leave tomorrow. Oh, and one more thing, as you're gonna be away for the next three years, I can't have you taking one of the new vans.
John
Brilliant! So what, are we taking the train? Flagin’ down a taxi? No, let me guess, we're taking a horse and carriage?
Lee takes a set of keys from his top drawer and throws them over to John. He catches them.
Lee
No John. You're takin’ the Silver Bullet!
EXT. GARAGE - AFTERNOON
ANGLE ON garage door: The sound of a revving diesel engine and an exhaust popping is heard within a cloud of exhaust smog, and like a classic episode of Stars In Their Eyes, out appears a clapped-out, 1999, silver, Ford Escort van. Lee pulls up beside John in a mint-condition BMW. He recedes the electrical car window. John winds down the manual van window. The winder breaks in two.
Lee
Oh, one last thing John, I would’ve paid 4.
Lee belts out a villainous chuckle and speeds off.
INT. VAN – MORNING
CUE MONTAGE. Van coming to a sudden stop outside James’ house - A hand beeping a horn twice - lips taking a sip from a coffee cup - a hand picking up a newspaper - page 3 model - Dear Dorothy - sports headlines - luggage case being thrown in the back of the van - James jumping in the van.
James
Alright, bro.
EXT. MOTORWAY - MORNING
CLOSE-UP on motorway sign reading, "Scotland 400 miles". PAN DOWN to the Silver Bullet chugging along the motorway.
INT. SILVER BULLET – MORNING
John
Chuck-us one of those Red Blood energy drinks please, pal.
James reaches into the back and takes out a Red Blood from a case so large, it has its own gravitational field. He passes the can to John.
John (cont'd)
Get ya self one if ya want.
Once again, James reaches over and takes a can. The pair crack them open and take a chug.
John
What kind of imbecile designed a van with no cup holders?
James
So how did your girlfriend take the news?
John
Initially, she freaked. Then I told her how much I’d be gettin’ and she quickly changed her tune. How about you? How did ya parents take the news? I’m actually surprised that they allowed you to go.
James
My dad left when I was a nipper and my mum passed away when I was five.
John
Shit. I'm sorry pal.
James
After my mum died, my grandpa and grandma adopted me. Then two years ago, my grandma passed away, so now it's just me and my grandad.
John
How did he take the news?
CLOSE-UP on James’ face. Transition from the van to his grandad’s house.
INT. GRANDAD’S HOUSE - EVENING
James kicks off his workouts and walks up to the outdated but homely living room to find his GRANDAD’S spade hands clasping a book under a warm lamp. His grandad is tall, burly, fit as a butchers dog, and looks like the kind of guy you wouldn’t fuck with when he was in his prime, and would probably still think twice about it now he’s in his late 60’s.
James
Alright, grandad. Do Ya want a brew?
Grandad
Go on then, if you're making one.
CUE MONTAGE. Kettle switched on - tea bag dropped in cup - hot water being poured - milk added - a spoon stirring.
James walks into the living room. His grandad is humming an unknown tune. James hands his grandad a brew and sits down in a wing-backed chair.
Grandad
How was your first day?
James
Yeah, it was good. I enjoyed it.
Grandad
You'll be fully qualified in no time. Were those tools okay?
James
Spot on, grandad. Spot on.
Grandad
What did I tell ya? What did I tell ya? They don’t make ‘em like they used to.
The pair take a sip of their brews.
Grandad (cont’d)
Oh, before I forget - I get my pension at the end of the week, and I was thinking we could have a walk over to Paxton’s on the weekend and find you a new toolbox?
James
Grandad.
Grandad
Yes, James?
James
Do you fancy going for a walk and grabbing tea at your favourite chip shop?
Grandad
That sounds lovely, James, but I don’t think we can afford it tonight. What about Saturday?
James
I’ve got some spare change upstairs. It’s on me.
Grandad takes a sip of his tea and smiles.
Grandad
I’ll get ready.
EXT. PARK – DUSK
James and his grandad walk through a park while eating chips straight out of the paper.
James
So whaddya think Grandad?
Grandad
Well, I’m not gonna lie, I will miss you dearly, and I’m not as young as I used to be, so running the house on my own is going to be a challenge. Plus, three years is also a long time, there’s every possibility that I won’t be here when you get back, and if the worst should happen, you won’t be able to come back to attend my funeral.
James
Yeah, it’s a stupid idea. Forget I ever mentioned it.
James and his grandad take a seat on a park bench. The setting sun sails through the rosy, ubiquitous, and velvet whispered clouds on the horizon. The pair waffle down the last few chips and crack open a couple of ice-cold, Coca Colas.
Grandad
But that’d be selfish on my part. If we think about it logically, you’re 18 years old and have your whole life ahead of you. You sacrifice three years now, return when you're 21 and have a million quid in your back pocket. That kind of money can set you up financially for the rest of your life, and if you’re smart, you’ll never have to work again. You may want to be an electrician now, but in 10 years time, you may want to explore other avenues, pursue business ventures or simply bask in the creative oasis of your imagination. And besides, this is one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that you have to clutch with both hands, because if you don’t, you may end up with regret, and there’s nothing more soul-destroying than “what ifs”.
James
Are you sure you’re gonna be okay without me?
Grandad puts his hand on James’ shoulder.
Grandad
James, I’ve never been so sure. I understand you’re concerned, but sometimes, there comes a point in life when you gotta do, what you gotta do, for you.
James and his grandad arise from the bench and walk off into the setting sun. Grandad puts his arm around James.
Grandad (cont'd)
Just remember, I want ten percent. FADE OUT.
INT. SILVER BULLET (MOVING) – AFTERNOON
FADE IN to the song ELECTRIC AVENUE - EDDIE GRANT. The Song comes to an end and the hourly news bulletin begins.
John
Turn this crap off. I can’t take it anymore, it’s driving me insane.
James
Boomers, no taste in music.
John
Boomer? I’m 45 years old ya cheeky little bastard.
James
You lost the bet fair and square. Twenty white cars to your sixteen silver.
John
Look, we’ve listened to the same news report, on the hour, every hour, for the last 3 hours. It’s a perpetual propaganda machine that’ll rot your brain..
James
Nah, your just an old man and have no perspective about what’s cool. Radio 0 is where it's at.
John
Cool? There’s nothing cool about listening to a music playlist that has been curated by a mainstream radio station when it’s just as easy to curate your own via streaming.
James
But the difference is John, the radio is free.
John
If free means sitting through compulsory advertisements, then our definition of free is somewhat different. If the product is free, then I'm afraid to say, you are the product.
James
You make a fair point, but I enjoy listening to the various radio show hosts.
John
Seriously? You enjoy listening to immature clowns trying too hard to be hip and funny? The TV didn’t kill the radio star, but the podcast will.
James
You’re far too serious, John. You need to lighten up, have a few laughs, have a little fun.
EXT. MOTORWAY - AFTERNOON
Cue montage: the Silver Bullet driving through a meandering motorway, swelling hills and steep slopes which are crowned with lofty trees. The van passes a sign which reads “Scotland 10 miles”.
INT. SILVER BULLET – EARLY EVENING
The Silver Bullet pulls into a truck stop. John reaches over and scrummages through his rucksack.
James
What ya looking for?
John
My passport. The Scottish border is only a couple of miles ahead, you better get yours ready.
James
I don’t have a passport.
John
Whaddya mean you don’t have a passport. Have you never been abroad?
James
I went to Wales when I was a kid, but that’s about it.
John
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. We’ve come all this way for nothing.
James
Can we not just cross illegally?. I mean, who’s gonna know.
John
James, I’m not sure if you’re aware of the fact that there’s a border patrol crossing ahead, and if I’m caught smuggling an illegal immigrant into the country, I’m facing some hard time in a Scottish gulag. Surely you must have heard the reputation of foreign police?
James
I’ve not
John
Foreign police ain’t all sunshine and rainbows like English police. Foreign police will beat you to your knees if you even look at them the wrong way.
James
I have human rights.
John
Do you think those built-like-brick-shit-house, Scottish Jocks care about your human rights? The only right you're gonna have is the right to pick up the soap in tartan painted shower room.
The pair sit in silence.
John
I’ve got an idea.
EXT. REAR OF VAN - EARLY EVENING
John opens the back doors to the van and pulls forward a very large toolbox. He starts to remove all the tools until the box is empty. He takes a look at the box and then takes a good look at James.
James
No. No, no, no, no. Not a chance.
John
It’s two miles, twenty minutes tops.
James
Give me one good reason why I should?
John
I can give you one million good reasons why you should.
James climbs into the toolbox. ANGLE ON John from James’ POV.
James
This isn’t gonna work, John
John
Be quiet, and it’ll work just fine. And besides, you’ll have a great story to tell all your friends. Hashtag butty in a box.
John closes the toolbox and jumps back in the driver's seat.
INT. SILVER BULLET – EVENING
John (in a whiny tone to himself)
Why so serious? Lighten up. Have a few laughs.
John grabs a Red Blood energy drink and puts the keys in the ignition.
INT. TOOLBOX – EVENING
James is crammed into the toolbox. The torch on his phone is the only source of illumination. We hear the van engine start and see James’ head jolt back as the van accelerates off. James calls his grandad.
James (into phone)
Alright, grandad, I was just seeing how you were doing?
(Pause)
James
We’re just at the Scottish border now, but you’ll never believe what I’ve done.
(Pause)
James
I’ve forgotten my passport, so John's smuggling me over the border in a toolbox.
(Pause)
James
You Joking?
(Pause)
James
What about the Scottish gulags?
(Pause)
James
Tartan painted shower rooms?
(Pause)
James
motherfucker!
(Pause)
James
Okay grandad, I will. Oh, and I will give you a call when we arrive.
James ends the call. John is heard reaching over and smacking the top of the box twice.
John (muffled, off)
Buttybox, we did it. We’re across. Woooooooohoooooo. I’ll find a safe place to stop and I’ll let you out.
There’s a momentary silence.
John (cont’d)
SHIT! James, James, we’re being pulled. Don’t say a goddamn word. James? You listening?
The van comes to a stop and the ignition is cut.
John (off)
Evening officer. Is everything okay?
(Pause)
John (off)
Just tools and equipment, we’re, em, I’m headed to the highlands. Got a job up there.
(Pause)
John (off)
I mean, I’m running on a tight schedule, but if you insist, by all means, have a look in the back.
The sound of the van door opening and shutting is heard off-screen. The back doors are heard opening. James closes his eyes. The locking clips are heard releasing. And within an instant, bright glaring sunlight shoots down on James’ face.
John
AH Ha. Gotcha
James, with his eyes still closed, doesn’t flinch.
John
James? James? JAMES? O shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. JAMES? JAMES?
John pulls the limp body of James out of the box and onto the floor behind the van and puts his ear next to James' nose.
James
WHOOPSIE!
John jumps back "out of his skin".
John (screaming)
Aaaahhh
John sits down on the road, sweating and clasping for breath.
James
Now you've got a great story to tell all your friends.
John smiles.
John
Fucker.
(2022)