Should music festivals be banned with immediate effect? 

 

Squelch! My shoe is devoured by a mysterious, muddy monster. My white sock is now stained for eternity. I slowly reach into the slimy abyss: pulling out a message in a bottle — not the secret treasure kind; a more of what went on the night before kind. I slip on my soggy shoe and head towards the mindless, intoxicated horde. They move in synchronisation to recycled sounds: their pupils wide and jaws ajar. As I wade through the horde, I’m half expecting Negan to appear — shouting “freaky deaky” and popping one of the walkers over the head with Lucile. But this isn’t a post apocalyptic dystopian future — this is GLASTONBURY!

 

Music festivals should be banned with immediate effect. The negatives far outweigh the positives. Firstly let’s look at the music. I love music. I listen to music everyday, but I’d rather listen to Andy Murray recite the terms and conditions of my car insurance policy than pay good money to listen to this modern-recycled rubbish. 

 

Then there’s the way they dance, if you can call it that. Some tracks have lower beats per minute than my grandfather's 100 year old dusty heart. They stand there in a field swaying back and forth like blades of grass in a meadow; moved by a slight, gentle breeze. John Travolta — Saturday Night Fever it certainly ain’t. 

 

Every year without fail, we see young girls mounted on the shoulders of young lads with their faces in juxtaposition. The girls are having the time of their lives: singing and dancing. While the boys have breaking backs and veins bursting from their foreheads. That’s a health and safety incident just waiting to happen. Ban it. Ban it now. 

 

On a more serious note, do I really think festivals should be banned? Of course not. Festivals are not my kind of scene but I don’t believe that we should ban them outright. As long as the land owners are happy, then people should be free to partake in festivals if they so wish, but I do think more needs to be done to address some of the more serious issues. We hear countless stories of young ones dying through dodgy drugs, women being sexually assaulted, residents being disturbed and widespread damage to the environment and wildlife.

 

One statistic claims that 52% of festival goers have used illicit drugs. Surly more needs to be done, not only by the festival organisers but by the artists themselves. The problem is that many of the artists are more concerned about virtue signalling the latest gender neutral, non-binary, vegan burger than tackling less severe issues like kids dying. 

 

Another shocking statistic claims that 43% of women under 40 have experienced some form of unwanted sexual behaviour at a music festival. Surely this is headline news? Wrong. The headlines are full of “woke”, social-justice warriors demanding a 50/50 gender balance to the line up. Now I’m not saying gender equality isn’t important, but in my personal opinion, the safety of vulnerable young women is a bigger priority than the diversity of the live acts.

 

I’m an advocate of freedom, free speech and censorship resistance. Banning music festivals is authoritarian, but if I had to choose between Glastonbury and a Zombie apocalypse — pass me Lucile. 

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(2019)